PRE-CONCEPTION

Blood

This way to the BLOOD ROOM --------->

Welcome to the Phlebotomy Room.

Women with appointments for FULL GTT or MINI GTT will be seen in time order. Other Women will be seen in numerical order. Thank you. [1]

Go to sleep, she said. It is now time to switch off our brains and our screens and sleep. We are making a lot of blood now. Blood flows around our entire bodies at rapid and multiplying rates. Periods are regular and irregular. IVF clinics are open and closed. Sex scheduling is defined and agreed. Wine is consumed and wasted. Sex is consented and forbidden. Blood. Hormones. Vitamins. Checks. It’s a way of recording our fertile, infertile, infantile, phantasmal bodies. It will happen when we curl up alone, hours after our semen has entered us, when we are scrolling and searching, when we are sleeping and researching. Aeroplane mode is activated and deactivated. Wifi turned on and off.

Fattened Red Blood Cells with Rhesus positive, antigens and a distribution of red blood cells through plasma and transfusion. Clotting and platelets and oxygen beating, bleeding, transfusing from her bag to my arm. My injection makes blood fly to my skin surface. Reddening, rare, Rhesus negative. Checking, injecting, compressing so that blood stays pulsing within. A blood-borne virus. Infection and donor selection. Checking. Sexual activity and risk. Risky. So we are checking. Emergency. Not an emergency. Just urgent. You can do this lying down. Check our screens. A follicle stimulating hormone is given. A cervical check, a screen scroll. We belong to our hospital now. We belong to our institution. Let’s make sure all is working ok, she said. Needles, pricking. Images, caressing.

We occupy different sleeping positions and sex positions and biological positions and generational positions and reproductive positions and research positions. We are flattened subjects, embodied with subliminal codes and information. The disinformation we are subjected to flows around us, threatening, but also validating our value within larger structural chains. Some of us choose to belong to these chains, some of us disrupt. We question what is at stake when we do finally close our eyes. We live our lives online, giving them everything. Will we give them this too? There is more blood now than ever before. What data belongs to us and our research and what data belongs to you and your technology platforms? The digitised reproductive citizen [2], she said. As flattened, pulsating beings, we will knowingly and unknowingly become subjected to a fattening regime. Getting pregnant, we said.

Flattened White Blood Cells with Rhesus negative. Emergency and anaemia. Blood tissue, organs, blood, blood cells, checking. Risking. Flying. Protecting us. Precarious blood. Checking. Checking phone and swiping. Quick news update. You may be at risk. You can do this standing up, if you prefer. Results will come back, she said. NHS Blood & Transport. Emergency blood transfusion (that’s not us!), dripping, dripping, bleeding, scrolling, liking, refreshing, sending, forwarding, bleeding out. Sterilised and clean. Sterile. Heart. A safe procedure. Blood group and oxygen. Bag of blood over there. Vaginal bleeding, menstrual bleeding, a thick, fattened sanitary pad to soak it up. A maternity pad, to soak it up (later). A luteinising hormone is given. Open up, wide. Let’s have a quick check, a quick internal examination, she said.

Our (m)others gave birth to an erotic and political energy that flowed between and through reclaimed bodies, experiences and histories. It was not easy, but they worked and lived through rewriting, activating, freeing, (m)othering, producing, earning and pleasure. How do we do this too? We thought we could do this too, but it is much more opaque than it seems. How do we live online, while at the same time producing, protesting, articulating, annunciating, creating, (m)othering, working, earning and transforming? Neither open nor closed [3], they said. We need to birth ourselves.

[1] Phlebotomy Room informational signage, Obs and Gynae OPD, Ground Floor, Royal Free Hospital, London.

[2] Deborah Lupton, “‘Mastering Your Fertility’: The Digitised Reproductive Citizen”, in Negotiating Digital Citizenship: Control, Contest and Culture, ed. A. McCosker et al. (London: Rowman and Littlefield, forthcoming). 

[3] Luce Irigaray, Speculum of the Other Woman, trans. Gillian C. Gill (Ithaca: Cornell University Press, 1985), 229.

It’s a Way of Recording a Body

Hello Glow!

We use Glow as a way of tracking and tricking our inner workings. It means we become aligned to our technology, using each daily question, as a central probing device, a daily calming ritual. We often find ourselves tricking our technology. We will enter Glow as a way of proving when we are most likely to ovulate. We will endeavour to feed our reduced, emotional and physical selves into answers and questionnaires. We are flattened, thinning, fun specimens of digital data assemblage and saliva and sweat and yoghurt and whipped cream. Skimmed milk, she said. We are preparing for pregnancy and avoiding risk [4], some of us said. Some of us, were leaking out already, our ambivalence loud and fluid, those of us who could never fit into these exploiting systems based on merit and reward.

Come back to Glow! We miss you!

Come back to Glow! We miss you!

Personal Data Output: Glow App for iPhone January — July 2016

It’s a skin-check day. Do a head-to-toe self-exam.

Where did you meet your last partner?

Period day stay hydrated

My period today was medium

Logged! Better understand improve your health!

I had Bloating and Sickness.

I slept for 9 hours

Most common: Fatigue

What is the ideal point to have sex for the first time?

Most common: Fatigue

Logged! Better understand improve your health!

My period today was light

Logged! Better understand improve your health!

I had Nausea

Logged! Better understand improve your health!

I had intercourse

1st time this week

Logged! Better understand improve your health!

I had Sex drive

Most common: we feel fatigue

Logged! Better understand improve your health!

I feel Happy

Most common: Happy

Come back to Glow! We miss you!

I exercised for 30-60 mins

2nd time this week

I feel Irritable

Most common: Happy

IMPORTANT TASK

Have your prescribed medication reviewed by your doctor to make sure it is fertility-friendly.

At lunchtime, take a walk outside.

Logged! Better understand & improve your health!

I had intercourse!

1st time this week

IMPORTANT TASK

Do a periodic check of your cervical mucus. Start today!

Do you ever have sex when you don’t feel like it?

Logged! Better understand improve your health!

I had Fatigue

Most common: Fatigue

I feel Moody and Tired

Most common: Happy

Logged! Better understand improve your health!

I had intercourse:

2nd time this week

I had Headache

Most common: Fatigue

I feel Happy and In Love

Most common: Happy

My stress level is low

DAILY HEALTH TIPS

Work to establish good sleep routines

Read more. 8 likes. 1 comment

I exercised for 30-60 mins

1st time this week

I feel Irritable

Most common: Happy

Logged! Better understand improve your health!

I had intercourse

1st time this week

You have not updated important information in your Glow log.

Glow needs this data to maintain accuracy.

COME BACK TO GLOW! WE MISS YOU!

Logged! Better understand improve your health!

I had Sex drive

Most common: Fatigue

I feel Happy

Most common: Happy

DAILY POLL  

What’s the least healthy thing you do?

Eat junkfood vote

Never work-out vote

Avoid doctors vote

Other – comment below

Read more. 8 likes. 413 comments

DAILY HEALTH TIPS

Engage in core-strengthening exercises

Logged! Better understand improve your health!

I had Bloating, Headache and Sickness

Most common: Fatigue

I feel Calm and Happy

Most common: Happy

My stress level is low

DAILY POLL

Do you experience ovulation pain?

Yes, I have it vote

Rarely Vote

Never Vote

What’s that? Vote

DAILY HEATH TIPS

Hum or sing your favourite song

Logged! Better understand improve your health!

My mucus smells delicious. I love that creamy scent from deep inside. That pornalicious, wafting, privileged, cotton, panty, pre-sex state.

I slept for 9 hours

I had Bloating and Sickness

Most common: Fatigue

I feel Happy and Motivated

Most common: Happy

DAILY POLL

What is the ideal point to have sex for the first time?

First date Vote

Second date Vote

Fifth date Vote

When engaged Vote

Marriage night Vote

Read more. 22 likes. 443 comments.

DAILY HEALTH TIPS

Calcium can help cure PMS so drink plenty of milk or OJ!

Logged! Better understand improve your health!

I slept for 10 hours

I had Sickness

Most common: Fatigue

I feel Calm and Happy

Most common: Happy

Logged! Better understand improve your health!

I had Sickness

Most common: Fatigue

I feel Happy and In love

Most common: Happy

DAILY HEALTH TIPS

Picture something peaceful

Read more. 22 likes

Logged! Better understand improve your health!

I had Sickness

Most common: Fatigue

I feel Happy and in love

Most common: Happy

Logged! Better understand improve your health!

I had intercourse

1st time this week

I feel Anxious, Happy and In Love

Most common: Happy

DAILY POLL

If I could lose weight at the snap of a finger

0lbs Vote

A few lbs Vote

More than 15lbs Vote

More than 25 lbs Vote

More than 50 lbs Vote

Read more. 34 likes. 406 comments

DAILY HEALTH TIPS

Hug someone!

Logged! Better understand improve your health!

I feel Happy and In love

Most common: Happy

Logged! Better understand improve your health!

I had intercourse

1st time this week

I feel Happy and in love

Most common: Happy

Logged! Better understand improve your health!

I had intercourse

2nd time this week

Try to exercise in 30 minute increments.

Read more. 15 likes. 3 comments.

Logged! Better understand improve your health!

I experience medium spotting

1st time this week

My period today was medium.

COME BACK TO GLOW! WE MISS YOU!

Logged! Better understand improve your health!

I had intercourse

1st time this week

I exercised for 30-60 mins

1st time this week

1 consumed 1 glass of alcohol

I feel Happy and In love

Most common: Happy

I exercised for 30-60 mins

2nd time this week

IMPORTANT TASK

Drink cranberry juice to promote urinary tract health

Read more. 33 likes. 6 comments

Logged! Better understand improve your health!

I had intercourse

1st time this week

Logged!

Better understand & improve your health!

IMPORTANT TASK

Do a periodic check of your cervical mucus. Start today!

Read more. 21 likes. 17 comments

DAILY HEALTH TIPS

Try to take a few minutes today and relax into Balasana – child’s pose.

Participants in yoga were significantly less “anxious, tense, depressed, angry, fatigued, and…

Read more. 15 likes

Logged! Better understand improve your health!

I had intercourse

2nd time this week

Logged! Better understand improve your health!

DAILY POLL

Do you use anything to help you exercise?

Fitness app Vote

Fitness tracking device Vote

Exercise group Vote

Personal trainer Vote

Other Vote

Read more. 27 likes. 294 comments

DAILY HEALTH TIPS

Life is better with ice cream.

Read more. 19 likes. 2 comments

You have not updated important information in your Glow log. Glow needs this data to maintain accuracy.

COME BACK TO GLOW! WE MISS YOU!

You have not updated important information in your Glow log. Glow needs this data to maintain accuracy.

COME BACK TO GLOW! WE MISS YOU!

You have not updated important information in your Glow log. Glow needs this data to maintain accuracy.

Come back to Glow! We miss you! We recruit our users and their productive organs [5], she said.

We are still flattened.

We are skimmed milk, lactose free, almond milk, whipped cream, clotted cream, condensed milk, soured cream, spilt milk, long-life, pasteurised pastiches of friendly soon-to-be risky, fattened cells. We are ready and willing to generate information [6], she said.

[4] Lupton, Mastering your Fertility, 11.

[5] Lupton, Mastering Your Fertility, 11.

[6] ibid, Mastering Your Fertility, 7.

Furtility

One of us began taking Zita West Pregnancy vitamums. Zita West is an expert in getting pregnant, especially for people who may be struggling!  Folic acid is essential! You may want to invest in some good quality folic acid!  You may also want to book some return flights to Las Vegas and hotels in the surrounding areas (and put your phone on aeroplane mode). There are some brilliant travel websites, which can help. Don’t worry because you won’t be travelling there alone, (we) she said. Just make sure your passport is up to date. Otherwise, if you don’t want to travel, we can help incubate your start up, here in this city. My sister started a start-up incubated at Second Home.

I have got a fear of flying [7]. 

What are you scared of?

Flying. 

Don’t be scared of flying. It is so safe.

I'm scared of your semen flying into me and making me pregnant. 

Don’t be. Flying is safe.

When the aeroplane takes off fasten your seatbelts.

But I am really not trying to get pregnant today. Am I ovulating? 

The community says you are ovulating, so just sit back and relax. Take a vitamin if you feel anxious. It will be over soon.

This space you see here is a home for technology start ups. We pride ourselves in being a domestic space for business entrepreneurs specialising in technology.

The cactus you see here is both found in the desert but also in our technology home. We want to make the space feel like a warm womb full of long lasting natural vitamins.

Zita West Premium Multivitamin &

Mineral Capsules for the First Trimester of Pregnancy:

Vitamin D 3 Vitamin E Vitamin C Thiamin (Vitamin B1) Riboflavin (Vitamin B2) Niacin (Vitamin B3) Password reminder Vitamin B6 Folic Acid Phone Charger Argument Vitamin B12 Biotin Barbara Kruger Pantothenic Acid (Vit B5) (M)other magnesium Hélène Cixous Iron Zinc Iodine Swearing in front of baby Manganese Copper Hotel Luce Kylie Jenner Selenium Chromium Alpha Lipoic Acid Adrienne Rich N-Acetyl Cysteine Inositol Adrienne Rich Beta Carotene @MRY Lycopene Lutein Lisa Baraitser Coenzyme Q10 Bilberry Blackberry Antihistamine Semen Blackcurrant Blueberry Pomegranate extract Grapeskin extract Prune juice extract

Blood is beginning to multiply even more now. We know this blood. We saw our own [grand] mother’s menstrual blood before [our] own [8]. And our mother is called Helen [9]! A demand for the male organ [10], we said. We are becoming a large conglomerate of over-ovulating bodies. The blastocysts knock on our doors and demand our uteruses. A violent break in [11], she said. Congratulations!

Kylie Jenner’s birth announcement on You Tube, published 4th February 2018

One day, I was in your mom’s bathroom with her…and she took a little test…and she like looked at me weird, and I was like “what?!”…and I didn’t know that’s what she was doing. 

And then of course some of us start to Google top ten signs of pregnancy. Or perhaps we collaboratively do a series of home pregnancy tests. 1 – 2 weeks pregnant they said. Or alternatively, we just wait to see if blood starts seeping, sleeping, peeping out of us. Do we contain? No, we refuse to contain. The maternal figure as volume may lead us to forget that woman’s ability to enclose is enhanced by her fluidity, and vice versa [12], we (they) said. Our archives are becoming. They are becoming bursting, nutritionally rich, fatty entities.

Close your eyes again and see if you can relax into this, we (she) said. As we turn to face our phones, in the middle of the night, we know we need personal, not political, validation. Ironed flat by technology [13], we said. We (there is no “we”) understand that our emotional and economic value has the potential to increase through personal validation. We acknowledge that we are mined for every action and piece of data that we give. We knowingly and unknowingly give them our most personal data. We knowingly and unknowingly share. We give them our periods. We give them our sex days. We give them our moods, wellbeing and our health. We give them our pregnancies. We feel responsibility for this giving, because we understand that we are simultaneously receiving. We know that we trust more in online than offline. Less room for human error. We know that we prefer online to offline. We say that we are better online and that our capacity is larger online. Our brains are fatter online. We can contain more online. Our data storage capability is bigger online. However, our breasts contain less milk online. Like generations before us, out fatness leaks out, yet, we have a clever way of flattening ourselves out. Compulsory, they said. Heterosexuality, they said [14]. And yet, that is what turned some of us on.

Feeling tired? That is because our bodies are pumping even more blood and growing, glowing, knowing. Breasts enlarging. Skin prickling. Mood quickening. Heart racing. Wake up in the night. Then go back to sleep again. Tired, we said. We would like to wish you Congratulations!

[7] Edited script, Helen Carmel Benigson, The Furtility Dancer in the Wet/Dry Technology Desert, Video, 2015.

[8] Adrienne Rich, Of Woman Born: Motherhood as Experience and Institution (New York: W.W. Norton & Company, 1986), 219.

[9] ibid, 2019.

[10] Luce Irigaray, This Sex Which Is Not One, trans. Catherine Porter and Carolyn Burke. (Ithaca: Cornell University Press, 1985), 69.

[11] Irigaray, This Sex, 24.

[12] Irigaray, Speculum, 239.

[13] Barbara Kruger, “No progress in pleasure”, in Pleasure and Danger: Exploring Female Sexuality, ed. Carole S. Vance, (Boston: Routledge & K. Paul, 1984), 210.

[14] Adrienne Rich, "Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence", Signs 5, no. 4 (1980). 

GESTATION

First Trimester  

The pregnant person who was in her first trimester looked out of the hotel window at the view of the Las Vegas Strip. From this angle she could see strippers, waitresses, actresses, models, hen parties, teachers, wives, doctors, teenage girls, grand(m)others, sisters, therapists, beauticians, gym instructors, housewives and business women. What a view, she thought, proudly touching her tummy. What a view!

Second Trimester

The performance [15] will begin in fifteen minutes 

The performance will begin in ten minutes 

The performance will begin in five minutes

The performance will begin in one minute

Ten

Nine

Eight 

Seven

Six

Five

Four

Three

Two

One

Welcome

Three musicians take their place on a stage. Drums, saxophone and keyboards, guitar. They riff and tune, playing jazz melodies translated from a casino lab in downtown Las Vegas. A large billboard envelops them, as one image. The billboard plays the moving image narrative of a girl travelling through and beyond the desert and the musicians sonically amplify this narrative. This girl travels in a dazzling car container as she too contains and simultaneously does not contain. Her inner womb, wet-like a desert, growing things only found in that particular landscape: cactus, lizards, coyote, desert marigold, creosote bush and babies. She is not alone. She is part of a band of women who travel with her: anthropologists, waitresses, ballerinas, gym instructors, farmers, chefs, (m)others, business-women, freelancers, teachers, philosophers, activists, nurses, contractors, midwives, biologists, therapists, actresses, models, administrators, recruiters, job seekers, artists, sociologists, doctors, film producers, housewives and hypnotherapists. In the audience is my (m)other, who will later be in the birthing room. 

As they commute between the dazzling lights of the city and the dazzling shine of the sun-pierced Valley of Fire, a pregnant person, in real life, sits in a birthing pool, bought from https://labassinebirthpools.co.uk/.

The pregnant person is twenty-two weeks pregnant. According to her growth app, the strawberry has fattened into an aubergine and weighs 430-600g and measures 28-30cm from crown to heel. Next it will be a papaya. And after that, a winter squash. Then, honeydew and then watermelon. A visibility, under the skin [16], we said, disappearing us. The pregnant person sits inside the birthing pool, heart beating hard. She can feel the baby pulsing inside her, wondering what is going to happen. She does not mime the serenity of madonnas [17], we said. She is hoping she will not trip and fall over the dirty cables adorning the stage. The musicians play. She beats. She is out of breath. She thinks of all the other pregnant people before her who have performed pregnant and survived. (S)he rips out of the birthing pool and begins. She pushes her fattened body to the limit. Adrenaline rushes from baby to brain to voice.

Third Trimester

We are not tongue-tied.

[15] Helen Benigson, Cashino Desert, performance, Zabludowicz Collection, London, 19th November 2015.  

[16] Imogen Tyler, “Skin Tight: Celebrity, Pregnancy and Subjectivity” in Thinking through the Skin. Transformations, ed. Sara Ahmed and Stacey Jackie, (London: Routledge, 2001).

[17] Rich, Of Woman Born, 45. “Throughout pregnancy and nursing, women are urged to relax, to mime the serenity of madonnas.”

LABOUR

Induction

She was two weeks late, they said.

We agreed to a speculum.

We allowed a vaginal examination.

We permitted an induction.

We succumbed to a sweep.

A sweep of our insides.

Cleaning away what dirt?

We agreed to an augmentation.

We squeezed into our skins.

Our fatness leaking out of our dirty skin-screen-skins and out of the hospital doors onto the squeaky-clean pavement.

Monitored.

Reluctant.

Data.

Adrienne Rich says we are always waiting. Waiting to be asked, waiting to give birth etc [18]. When we are breastfeeding, waiting for our babies to finish, we are on our fat phones and we read stories, often forgotten, over and over again. Pregnancy is a wasting time, a waiting time, especially when we are on maternity leave, forty-two weeks fatter, overdue and needing to be induced.

During induction, when the sterile speculum is inserted up into us, into our fattened vaginas, to stoke our cervixes, we all slam down our eyelids and check into Hotel Luce [19].

Urged to relax they said [20].

Timeless, dragging pregnancy is concurrent with travel waiting. We spend our time reading through history backwards, starting with Amalia, Peppi, Sally, Bella, Anna, Regina, Marie, Esther [21] and ending with an internal summary of our wombs [22].

We waist and waste our time, reading about how we will (m)other, what will happen, what we will do. What to do and how to do it? Waiting, wasting, our waist waiting to pop. To explode, detonate, flatten.

Two lips kissing one another they said [23]. False Impressions [24], they said. Admitted. Administered. Antibiotics by drip. Drip dripping fat going into our veins like butter. Notes taken. Syntocinon upped. Oxytocin upped. Everything upped. Forceps was the masculine weapon in this struggle [25], we cried out. Everything out. Everything crying.

Her perineum ruptured.

My Maternal: From 7th April 2016, 10.07am

Our perineums sutured.

We try to scream out in our (m)other tongue but there is no sound. What permission? Injection administered. Notes written. Photograph the placenta. Photograph blurry. Skin to skin. Skin to screen. No, skin to skin. When we open our mouths, nothing comes out. Where are our scissors? We need to be cut. The cord needs to be cut too. And our foreskin. And our tongue. Cutting and pasting, our tongues cut away from our screens.

[18] Rich, Of Woman Born, 39.

[19] Irigaray, Speculum.

[20] Rich, Of Woman Born, 45.

[21] Irigaray, Speculum. This book begins with an analysis of Freud’s essay “Femininity”.

[22] Irigaray, Speculum. This book ends with a reinterpretation of Plato’s “Hysteria” in terms of the cave / womb.

[23] Mignon Nixon, Mary Kelly (Massachusetts: MIT Press, 2016), 14. In this quotation, Mary Kelly is discussing Luce Irigaray.

[24] Susan Hiller, Ten Months, 10 black and white composite photographs, 10 texts, arranged sequentially, size 203cm x 518cm, 1977–1979. In the ninth text, accompanying the corresponding photograph, it reads: “It is easier to describe thoughts than feelings. It is easier to describe dispair than joy. For this reading, the writing gives a false impression: there is not enough exultation in it.

[25] Adrienne Rich, Of Woman Born, 146.

Maternal

Transfer

Summary

FOURTH TRIMESTER

Privacy Policy

So, so, so so, so I, I posted a week or so so so, so ago about my newborn feeding constantly...we've since found out that she has tongue tie and therefore problems latching, feeding for a long time, only having short breaks before feeding again, causing me excruciating pain etc. She has, has he, has he, he has, has put weight. She has put on weight. She has put weight on so health visitor wasn't too concerned about that. We're waiting for an appointment to have her tongue tie divided....as its the weekend and I can't ask my health visitor til Monday I guess my questions are:
1) any quick fixes on helping her feed better? I've been feeding for 2 hours straight now and well, that was 2 hours ago and er she's still not satisfied. Don't really want to give her formula just yet.
2) anyone had similar experiences? Was the procedure worth it?
3) ummm, is it nnnn, it is nnnnnn, is it nnnnnnnnn, is it normal, is it normal, that my tongue is hurting too?!
Thanks, Helen X

@H3l3n My friends went private and it was totally worth it, changed things straight away. Also, ask your mother for breastfeeding techniques! I found my mum was really helpful in this regard…
Like Show more reactions · Reply ·  · September 17, 2016 at 4:43am Remove

@H3l3n1 if you do choose to have it done privately, there are qualified people who will come to your house to do it so you can get it sorted straight away. Don’t count on your mum to help….. best to count on professionals you can actually trust. Best, best, um best, best of, best of best of, of luck, whatever you decide.
Like Show more reactions · Reply · · September 17, 2016 at 8:12am Remove

Helen I was under the impression (from my health visitor) that the call from the hospital would be within 10 days (it's been 4 so far) and then an appointment would be within a couple of days....however, it seems like this may be wishful thinking...See More
Like Show more reactions · Reply · September 17, 2016 at 8:17am 

@H3l3n3 Snipped I have seen the procedure, the procedure, the procedure…umm the procedure, quite a few times and very quick. Put baby straight to breast after and it's done. It’s totally normal for you to feel like your tongue is sore... Happened to me too. The people in this group can be vile.
Like Show more reactions · Reply · September 17, 2016 at 4:55am Remove

@H3l3nd Totally worth it. ummmmmm, so. There is not always overnight difference as sometimes the baby takes a few weeks to get to grips with latching after tongue-tie division but persevere if you can. It took 6 weeks for us but then it was fine. I expressed ++ to keep my milk supply up and to reduce the awful pain! Good luck x
Like Show more reactions · Reply · September 17, 2016 at 5:23am Remove

Helen I just don't know when I'll have the time to express- like tonight she's been on since 2.45. I'm physically and mentally exhausted! I'm not sure I can wait for it to improve, I have a 3 year old too and it's taking so much time away from her. Feeling really guilty and pulled in both directions- have been desperate to breast feed but it's just affecting me so much at the mo x 

@H3l3nn313H I had the exact same situation with my daughter. I was so hesitant to give formula because I was so committed to breastfeeding but when I gave her a bottle and saw how she devoured it and was content for the first time I realised that her need for milk (from whatever source) was more important than my desire to ebf. The other thing that helped was a dummy. Both my kids had their tongue ties snipped. It's quick and works instantly. Don't wait for a NHS appointment go private and you can probably get it done this weekend, otherwise you could be waiting months.my tongue was also taken out at the same time as my baby’s. the pain subsided after a few months. Good luck!x
Like Show more utterances, gestures, reactions· Reply · September 17, 2016 at 6:48am Remove

Helen Thank you for your message. I do feel very guilty thinking that I am being selfish and maybe I should just give formula, but don't want to give up too soon. I'm having a look online now for a private practitioner with the hopes we can be seen asap. Not sure who to ask but assume they're all as good as each other. Does anyone have a consultant recommendation for tongue-surgery for me? My tongue is so sore.Did you continue to breast feed after your children had the procedure? And also after you gave them formula? X
Like Show more sensitivity, reactions · Reply · September 17, 2016 at 6:55am Remove

@H3l3n$ Havent read others comments so aplogies for any repeating. I don't think you should view it as giving up, instead see it as providing your baby with what they need. I continued to breastfeed for nearly a year and loved every second of it. Looking forward to going back to work!!!!
Like· Reply · September 17, 2016 at 7:04am Remove 

Helen did you give the formula before the procedure? I'm worried that he will confuse the breast and bottle Like, Kindess. · Reply · September 17, 2016 at 7:06am Remove

@H3l3n66 I remember being terrified about 'nipple confusion' and my daughter never breast feeding again after having a bottle but I needn't have worried my daughter was just as happy breastfeeding as she was bottle feeding. It wasn't a problem at all!!!
I Like You so much. You are doing great.· Reply · · September 17, 2016 at 7:12am Remove

@H3l3n25 Helem why don't you try giving formula now, express to keep your supply up and give that too and then go back to ebf when you get the tie cut? Your baby sounds really hungry from your comments. Giving her formula ( or expressed milk) will fill her little tummy up and babies need milk for development in these early days, it's so important. You would not be failing. Don't see formula as a last resort. Join our tongue-tie group if you want? Xx
Like · Reply · September 17, 2016 at 8:57am Remove

@H3l3n’sbby Just to reassure you Helen, I had a few problems with breastfeeding when my little girl was a week old (engorged breasts, bleeding nipples and mastitis in both breasts) and had to give her formula for a week and a half until I'd fully healed. Been EBF since and she's now 9 weeks. She had no problem with nipple confusion. Good luck with the operation! X
Like · Reply · September 17, 2016 at 9:19am Remove

@H3l3n*** Sorry for any repetition. Not sure where you're based but we had ours done at 4 months at Kings College Hospital who aim to book an appointment within a week of referral. It took about 2 weeks for the full difference to kick in but after months of pain for me, it was suddenly amazing & I'm still feeding at 9 months. I told the nurse I felt guilty putting her through it and she said 'but don't you think she wants to continue feeding too?'. That helped. It's a really simple procedure. All the best!
Like Show more reactions · Reply · September 17, 2016 at 7:09am Remove

@H3l3n Ps. And you've already given her an amazing start and she’d much rather you were happy if you do decide formula is the solution! It's all so emotive..x PS my nipple was confusing my partner’s tongue with my baby’s tongue… in the end we decided to stop all tongue-activity until baby had her tongue cut.
Like Show more reactions · Reply · September 17, 2016 at 7:11am

@H3l3n1234 I had 2 paediatricians and a midwife tell me no. Turned out to be 75% tongue tie! Trust your gut.
Like Show more reactions· Reply · September 17, 2016 at 10:55pm Remove

@H3l3n222 I haven’t read all comments, so apologies if repetition. I ended up combi feeding until she had her appt, she was 4 months old before she was diagnosed so the poor thing had had to work so hard to get her milk. Hers was so tight she couldn't even stick her tongue out. When she had it done it was over in a split second, she was pretty upset but feeding amazingly after!! Healed well and now you'd never know … my tongue has also healed well, apart from a tiny scar at the side. x
Like Show more reactions · Reply · September 17, 2016 at 8:20am

@H3l3n8765 We had it done, twice - actually it can regrow. Definitely worth persevering. I breast fed solely till 10 months when I was pregnant again and she weaned herself x
Like Show more reactions · Reply · September 17, 2016 at 9:16am

@H3l3nhelz You poor love! I had this with both my little ones. Both born with tongue tie which needed cutting in hospital. It was the best decision ever to get them snipped. Make sure you ask for the print out of tongue exercises to use with LO after the snip to help them get used to the new range of tongue movement. I was exactly the same as you with every feed absolute agony. In the end I temporarily used nipple shields and have expressed milk for a day to help my nipples heal as they were bleeding heavily and a right mess. Super well done to you Mama for persevering!! Hope the snip all goes well and things improve for you quickly. Hugs xxx
Like Show more reactions · Reply · September 17, 2016 at 11:47am Remove

Helen I'm so glad there's been so many success stories- it's so hard to make decisions sometimes- doubting yourself if you're doing the right thing. I'm dreading this afternoon with her having the procedure, just hate the thought of her crying and being in pain xx
Like Show more reactions · Reply · September 17, 2016 at 12:11pmRemove

@H3l3nF3m1St Hey Amy, how did it go. Sending hugs. Brings back many memories. There is light at the end of the tunnel, promise xx
Like Show more reactions · Reply · September 17, 2016 at 7:47pm

Helen it was ok....I had a bit of a wobble and nearly said I'd just give her bottles instead but deep down knew it was right...just felt so sorry for her looking at her little unknowing face!! Feeding hasn't slowed yet as know that'll take a few days, but it is more comfortable so am hoping it's the start of a more positive experience :-) thank you for checking in on us xx
Like · Reply · September 17, 2016 at 7:55pmRemove

@H3l3n Great to hear Helen. Hope things keep improving. Take care x
Like· Reply · September 18, 2016 at 12:48am

@H3l3n8ad80Y My little girl had TT and we got it snipped when she was a few days. I also used a shield and pumped to get through the pain but after it helped a lot with breastfeeding x
Like Show more reactions · Reply · September 17, 2016 at 1:04pmRemove

@H3l3n  Well..... it's horrible as she'll scream and it will bleed but it was so quick and the bleeding stopped in seconds. I was just thinking about how we needed to make sure she could feed properly and didn't want to risk the possibility of her having future problems like speech impediment or trouble learning to eat solids etc. She was completely fine after she fed, like it hadn't happened. When they cut out my tongue, I got to have bed rest for 3 days! Was magic and only a small drop of blood…..
Like Show more reactions · Reply · September 17, 2016 at 2:11pm · Edited

@H3l3n%% Hi my LG was tongue tied she killed me for the first month until she had it cut... but I found the nipple Shields helped me and baby so much... good luck x
Like Show more reactions · Reply · September 17, 2016 at 6:52pm Remove

@H3l3nHELEN I haven't read the other comments so apologies if I'm repeating anything! But just to say that it took about 6-8weeks for my daughter to start feeding significantly better. The lady who did it said it can start improving after a week or so but it took us a while longer x
Like Show more reactions · Reply · September 18, 2016 at 8:40am Remove

@H3l3n this is so hard on mum when baby has tongue tie. Babies find it so hard to feed so there is little you can do but to keep feeding ensuring your baby does not slip off the breast. Once the tongue has been snipped your baby will learn new skills to feed and will learn to open its mouth wider enabling bigger feeds. Once baby tongue snipped, your speech should improve?? Let us know, you can join our group if u want? Private message me . Good luck with everything.
Like Show more reactions · Reply · September 18, 2016 at 8:45am Remove

@H3l3n Um, so my lo had tongue tie. She couldn't laaaa latch on either. They cut it when she was a few days old and was successful!
Like Show more reactions. September 20, 2016 at 3:27am

Archive chat.

Shipping & Returns

We want to strip but we do not want to breastfeed in public.

WE WANT TO STRIP

but we don’t want to breastfeed in public

breastfeed in pub breast feed in pub lic

best feed in pub breast feed in pub

brest feed in pub lick breastfeed in lick

brest lick pub feed best breast in lick

lick breast in pub breast feed in public house

breast feed in house breast lick in house

in house breast worried about breast best in pub lick

worried about public breast

PLEASE HELP ME

worried about our nipples probable fibroadenoma

WE LOVE OUR NIPPLES

Lobules

Nobules

Hypervascular

Feed in public

PATHOLOGY REPORT SENT TO

Mr Tim Davidson & Dr A Schneider, Radiology Department

Collected on 28/02/2017

Received on 01/03/2017

Lab No PH001759E/17

CLINICAL DETAILS

US = U2 mass left breast. Probable fibroadenoma.

NATURE OF SPECIMEN

Left breast core biopsy.

GROSS APPEARANCE

Three needle cores of fatty tissue measuring 14 x 2, 13 s 2 and 3 x 2 (x3) in 1 all embedded.

MICROSCOPY

Cores of breast tissue showing portions of a hyalinised fibroadenoma with no evidence of atypia or malignancy.

CONCLUSION

Left breast core biopsy – Hyalinised Fibroadenoma (B2)

HISTOLOGY

We noticed a change in our breasts, after breastfeeding, saggy, wrinkly, dents. We had multiple mammograms. No heartbeats. A needle into my breast. Mastitis trauma. Check again in one year or if it grows.

To Keep Mum

Wake Up.

Wake Up.

Wake Up Your Brain. Constantly interrupted, disturbed, kicked, throughout the night and day at the same time as constantly being told to wake up and start working again…and to get off our phones. To get out of our fat, flat screens…the only fattened, flattened space we feel truly inside of.

(M)other tongue is tongue tied

My (m)other tied up her tongue when she gave me her (m)other tongue

Your tongue on my (m)other? on my nipple? on my um um um tongue… 

When we are with our fattened babies, we do not have time to be here, in real life.  We do have time for searching and scrolling. We do have time for photos, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. Go on, have a little scroll we said [26]. Scrolling your scrotum. Growing our babies’ scrolling sensations within our family group chats and our recently refreshed news sites. The womb precludes the separation of the lips they said [27]. We find we make time for searching, separating, uploading and for careful editing, filtering, scrolling, captioning…

Scrolling, searching, stalking, flipping down, imagining what our lives would look like outside this cell. Scrolling, flicking, checking, sending, saving, refreshing, searching, refreshing, screen-caressing, ultra sound waving, registering the tips of our index fingers, moving from one story to the next and back again, captioned by tiny images of dancing women and distilled fruit. Distraction in stories. Our resilience is easily disguised: unproductive research, knowledge changing form as every heavy nappy fills with unpleasant greenery. We love scrolling!! The sexing of scrolling. The plenitude of information. Is it bad to scroll too much? We don’t care. We love it. Aeroplane mode. Good night xxx

Our fattened breasts are hard, red, sore. Tongue-tie. Our babies have tongue-ties. Their poo is bright, fluorescent green. We google the fuck out of trying to see what bright green poo means. We ask everyone we know, who has (m)othered, what it means. We bring it up in every conversation. Our doctors know fuck all. Our midwives don’t think it is bad if they are eating and nappies are wet as usual. We carry on researching, searching for an answer, until, on a website, far hidden beneath layers of fattiness, adverts, advice, distractions, objects and flattened models, we find embedded, what we are looking for. Green poo equals not enough fat. Not enough fat in our milk. Our babies are not getting fat enough. That is why their poo is green and not yellow mustard or light brown. The babies are flattening not fattening. Warm, friendly, licking tongues that are not sucking properly. Our babies feed for short spurts as they tire out easily, then they need feeding again soon after, as they still are hungry. We turn to fattening bottles and formula. Hipp Organic and Cow and Gate. We read the ingredients and research these. We sterilise their bottles and research that. And what about us? Our fattened loaded breasts are traumatised. Every time our babies latch on to our nipples, we SCREAM out in agony. This is pain. This is nipple abuse. Tongue-ties mean that mouths cannot open in the correct position or wide enough. Wean from the breast they said [28].

Let’s ask @MRY how to do it? @MRY is our ultimate (m)other. She has given birth to all of us and was present in the birthing room of our research. @MRY made Antepartum in 1973 and then Post-Partum Document from 1973 to 1979. Antepartum, a black and white 8mm film loop, was conceived when @MRY was a student at Portsmouth Polytechnic and pregnant like we are now: pregnant for our doctoral research. Antepartum was made as an untitled work-in-progress, just a sketch of her own fattened stomach. Heavily pregnant. A single moving image close-up shot of @MRY’s very pregnant abdomen. She strokes it over and over in a continuous loop. We do not see her face, head, breasts, pelvis, or legs. We see her stomach, naval and Linea Nigra. We see her inner gynaecological body and pre-natal baby from her outside. We look for a kick as her foetus pushes outwards, over and over again. The umbilical lens [29] we (some of us) said.

Post-Partum Document is @MRY’s archive of her own collected items documenting as (m)other-activist-artist and her son in the first six years of his life. Slippages between domestic bodies and political activity, separation, loss, growth, bonding and language are markers of a type of mapping between and through moments and bodies. It includes seventy-two dirty nappy liners, her son’s handwriting experiments, mapped out charts and domestic objects.

One moment, please! So sorry to interrupt. We are just going to enter Touch Surgery, an artificial intelligence laboratory, helping surgeons to learn through Technology. Put on these glasses, we say. Put them on and then you will be in our operating room. Look right now: she is operating on a group of women, improving their saggy, flattened breasts after breastfeeding. Look to the left and right. See closer. Look up. Look down. Now swipe your hand in the air to see next steps.

Let’s have a quick look at this Touch Surgery module demonstrating how to perform a breast reconstruction using a free flap, including marking, de-epithelization, and insertion technique and then we will return to @MRY in the next step.

Touch Surgery: Cosmetic Breast Reconstruction using a Free Flap [30]

Perforator flaps are commonly used for breast reconstruction after breastfeeding. Breast reconstruction using native soft tissue can restore breast symmetry through the construction of a similar sized, shaped, and contoured mount as the contralateral breast. Breast reconstruction post-breastfeeding is highly associated with improved body image and confidence, as well as general well-being and quality of life.  

The most common perforator flap used for breast reconstruction is the deep inferior epigastric perforator (DIEP) flap. However, in patients for whom the lower abdominal region is not an option, the upper thigh, in the form of profunda artery perforator (PAP) is a good alternative.

We can see now! NEXT STEP. We are experts. NEXT STEP. We are experts in breasts and breastfeeding. NEXT STEP. We will be able to perform breast surgery. NEXT STEP. We will be able to swipe in the air to see through ourselves. NEXT STEP.

For @MRY, her projects activated a type of internal sonic “listening” [31] but also a way of visually transmitting an indistinct relationship between being a (m)other and doing or making work. We relate these ideas to our own body of works. She has given us an entire archive, through time, image and signification, in a corporeal chronology. From this, we too have generated artistic research, which resonates corporeally but also as an archive, drawing a circle from fertility to prenatal, from perinatal to parental and back again, which we continually attempt to disrupt and to resituate online. Like those before us, our entire research has tracked our flattening to fattening to flattening (and back again). @MRY’s project is situated specifically within the women’s movement and conscious-raising groups [32]. @MRY is part of the Women’s Group, the History Group, The London Women’s Film Group and Wages for Housework. In what ways do our projects feed back into larger political and social contexts, groups and communities? The Natural History Museum is a metaphor for the (m)other’s body they said [33]. We are intergenerationally porous, our “we” travels across time (zones) - viscosity attacks online and offline…

Ankyloglossia. Our babies have tongue-ties. Our babies have ankyloglossia. No one tells us about it, so we have to research this. Will this research be valued as artistic research? A breast consultant, a breastfeeding expert, a retired midwife, a wonderful woman, says their tongue-tie is not bad enough to be CUT. Our breastfeeding technique could be improved but everything seems to be in the right position. We feel that we are not good at breastfeeding. We feel that we cannot do it in public. We learn to do it lying down. Every time our babies put their mouths to our areolas, it kills. Blood seeps from our ducts, out through to the front doors of our nipples. As our blood leaves home out of our front doors, we wonder if we will be left alone, lost forever or will our blood just be coming home late tonight and waking us up? Often, our nipples will scab over until the next instalment. It is painful afterwards but MOST painful during breastfeeding. We swear, scream, shout, pinch, grip. Eventually we decide that we need another expert opinion. The expert's first name is Helen. Mrs Helen Caulfield. MBBS, FRCS (ORL-HNS), Consultant Paediatric ENT Surgeon, Specialty Paediatric Ear, Nose and Throat (ENT), Paediatric Care, Sub-Specialties Paediatric Ear, Nose and Throat (ENT). We take our babies to her hospital.  All of our babies are examined, and it is decided that actually their tongue-ties are extremely bad. Their tongues need to be cut today. There are no nerves in tongues, or in that specific area of the mouth where the tongue is attached, so this would not be painful, just uncomfortable. Our little booboos are laid down and their flattened tongues cut, in seconds. They are given sugar water. After that, breastfeeding marginally improves. Traumatised we said [34]. Our breasts have been traumatised. We could never forget this.

 As we wait for our babies to finish sucking on nipples, teats and dummies, we watch multiple screens. We watch a childless woman on a screen touch a man’s fattened genitals under his underpants, as their life is recorded 24 hours a day [35]. The woman is a digital flattening, performing for these cameras and an active, imaginary audience. She is pumped into our bedrooms and living rooms, our laptop screens and phones. Our gazes softly, softly, hitting, pushing, punching, killing her. Her body parts are contested body parts, splattered through and against postcodes nationally and internationally and areas where there are no postcodes or directions to get there. Their caressing exists in a darkened room and the room appears dark to her. These cameras can see through the dark. Transmission continues pumping into our bedroom an erotic, fuzzy encounter. She knows these cameras can see in the dark and through the dark but she pretends to ignore them, unable to separate her brain from his body. Overlaid over her laid down body there is a number to text to vote for her to stay.

On another channel, in another land, Barbara Kruger’s words are angry and short and full, across images and overlaid, killing the images, making them hurt and argue. The images are blurred and distorted and appear like cut-outs. My fat tummy they said [36]. The milky taste of ink [37] Hélène said. The screens light up our nipples and reflect in the eyes of our babies. Pummel my breast [38], we said. Our tied up tongues, lingual muscles not working as they should, expressing, possessing, readdressing. Not only the babies, but some of the (m)others too, have developed tongue-ties.

Their epiglottis

Their palatopharyngeal arch

Their epiglottic vallecula

Their lingal tonsil

Their terminal sulcus of tongue

Their foramen cecum of tongue

Their body of tongue

Their apex of tongue

Their media sulcus of tongue

Their vallate papillae

Their fungiform papillae

Their filiform papillae

Their foliate papillae

Their root of tongue

Their palatine tonsil

Their media glossoepiglottic fold

Their lateral glossoepiglottic fold

Their superior longitudinal muscle of tongue

Their transverse muscle of tongue

Their inferior longitudinal muscle of tongue

Their genioglossus muscle

Their hyoglossus muscle

Their styloglossus muscle

Their palatoglossus muscle

Their vertical muscle of tongue

Their lingual mucosa

Their stratified squamous epithelium

Their basal stem cells

Their dorsal lingual artery

Their submandibular ganglion

Their deep lingual vein

Their deep lingual artery

Their sublingual artery

Their vena comitans of hypoglossal nerve

Their external carotid artery

Their internal jugular vein

Their facial vein

Their retromandibular vein

Their lingual artery

Their hypoglossal nerve

Their dorsal lingual vein

Their lingual nerve

Our tongues were FUCKING CUT from our mouths without our permission!! We were asked: “Pussy got your tongue?!!” I have lost the ability to shout out loud. When we do, it is in unison, although we continually clash and rebel and never agree. (We said: “Different generations all speaking at once.”) Having such a quiet, unconfident voice and / or tongues that are not there, makes it impossible to sing out in research seminars, at work and at home. @MRY suffered from tongue-tie with us. As her son learnt to speak [39], she became maternal-mute. The impossibility of either speaking or being heard, as what I am [40], we thought. How can we protest if we have lost our tongues? Shall we just type?

Tongue Tie.

To keep mum.

Our lips are sealed.

Our phones track us. Our gynaecologists track us. Our breast reconstruction surgeons track us. Our (m)others tracked their own menstrual cycles and ovulation. We use Glow. Period Day Stay Hydrated [41]

we said. Glow knew that we were pregnant before we did. Antepartum was created at a time when ultrasound technology was just beginning to be widely used in clinical obstetrics and gynaecology in the UK and USA. Before we had ultrasounds, would our (m)others simply “tune” in to our fattened stomach for kicks, flutters or pain? When we went for our fattened 3D scans, we already knew what to look for, because Pregnancy+ [42] had shown us, every single day, so we didn’t need to go into the clinic. We could see our baby developing every day in our own personalised gestation timelines and we were SO IN TUNE. Next time, we will stay at home. No queues. No germs. No leaks. No risks. The team at Pregnancy+ wish you a healthy, full-term pregnancy and a safe delivery [43] we said.

We all developed tongue-ties on maternity leave. That’s when it happened. We lost our voice and our tongues were never fully stitched back in place. We couldn’t lick our wounds and we forgot how to speak loudly. Tongue-tie, this double precarity, performed in sync by dyad, even worse off when starved of real touch. The constant attack on narrative…breaking into maternal speech [44], she wanted to say.

We constantly look up tongue-tie symptoms online, worrying and repeatedly checking our symptoms with the net doctors. Our living cyberchondria is further intensified by the intermittent hospital advertisements that patter onto our screens. The hospitals know we are searching for symptoms, that we were self-diagnosing. Guy's and St Thomas' NHS Foundation Trust is active now [45]. Start a conversation we say.

OUR ULTRASOUND FINDINGS:

UTERUS: The uterus / uterine cavity were normal for age and parity. Increased peri- ovulatory endometrial THICKENING (10.6 mm) was present. Increased myometrial vascularity probably reflects oestrogen dominance.

OVARIES: The ovaries were multifollicular with prominent stromal changes. A very recently collapsed (ovulated) CL cyst was noted on the Rt ovary with SPILL into the pelvic cavity.

When we (they) enter the voluptuous Touch Surgery Lab, we (they) are confronted by a lack of blood, liquid and goo. Her internal organs are there and visibly recognisable. We recognise that human heart, breast and cavity. But where is her blood, her moisture, her gel? We put on our technology and see in front of us, in the middle of the room, a surgery happening, just for us.  

We enter an operating theatre and see our own plump bodies and the skinny bodies of the surgeons at the same time. Of course, we are awake for these procedures, although some of us would prefer to be sleeping. We see our heavily emptied breasts, which have become wavy lines and sunken dunes. We swipe through to see next steps. The fine metal knife points to where an insertion will go. Swipe again. We are interrupted by crying. A metal knife strokes our lines and our sandy dunes. Swipe again. We see no blood. We are interrupted by the need to check our phones. The glasses are pulled off and we exit our theatre.

We can hear now! NEXT STEP. We are experts. NEXT STEP. We are experts in ankyloglossia. NEXT STEP. We are experts in data. NEXT STEP PLEASE. We will be experts in artistic research. NEXT STEP. We will know what it is to research.  

Ok perhaps our mums were constructing meaning from their actual physicality and we attempt to do the same, while living 24 HOURS A DAY virtually connected and online.

-       What was at stake then?

-       Everything politically!

-       What is at stake now?

-       Everything personally!

She’s savvy, we (she) said [46]. 

FML.

My

breasts

are

overflowing [47]

Hélène

shouted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Adrienne Rich is constructing (m)otherhood as institution, attempting to dismantle it and @MRY uses the gallery as institution to frame the institution of (m)otherhood. @MRY uses a formal framing and hanging system of individual works in Post-Partum Document. These spaces are contested and colonised yet there is an attempt to reclaim them. When we ask the question, “Who is looking after our babies, while we write these words?”, we are not just referring to our safety, privilege and freedom. We also refer to the protective, flattened screen-like interface between fattened gynaecological stomachs (skin, blood, uterus, hormones) and prenatal baby: our plasma screens separating/protecting (m)other and baby. I also acknowledge all (m)others.

Surely to “write through the body”, requires our brains to be switched on and charged, but what happens when we refuse our bodies, or when we cannot control our bodies or when or where we are unable to link our bodies to our brain? What about when our bodies are given up? When our personal information is shared? What if our bodies do not fit in, do not (re)produce, are not part of the idealised model, not considered normative? Our (m)others gave birth to US and then told us to get on with it. They have enabled us to be workers and (m)others, both at home, online and away. We have given our most personal data to the Internet, knowingly and unknowingly sharing it. We (there is no virtual or real we) have become faceless value coins, which flow in the opposite direction to us. Our fertile bodies and baby-brains are now data, mined, valued and exchanged. We work as data generators. Our labour is visible and invisible. We carry on producing work, while protesting, contesting and activating, swimming in a virtual ocean liquid melting screen. We need to wear swimming costumes.

Touch Surgery: Breast Tissue Expander [48]

Background

Implant-based breast reconstruction is undertaken most often following breastfeeding. Patients have a variety of options, including no reconstruction, implant based reconstruction, and autologous tissue. A tissue expander is placed to allow the skin to be stretched in preparation for definitive final implant placement.

The tissue expander is placed under the pectoralis muscle. Many surgeons will utilize a sheet of acellular dermal matrix along the inferior/lateral portion of the breast pocket. This can help allow more expansion of the lower pole.

There is no specific imaging required for this type of breast reconstruction. This procedure demonstrates a reliable method for breast tissue expander implant with utilization of acellular dermal matrix.

Procedure summary

• Breast pocket preparation

• Insertion of the acellular dermal matrix

• Insertion of the implant expander

Key anatomy

• The inferior attachments of the pectoralis major muscle are incised.

• The pectoralis major muscle is elevated. There is a loose areolar plane between the undersurface of the pectoralis major and the chest wall that makes this an easy and avascular dissection.

• The acellular dermal matrix is typically secured to the inferior and lateral breast pocket.

• Seminars are performance opportunities.

• Don’t get lost, take a map with you.

Indications

• Implant based reconstruction remains the most common form of breast reconstruction performed.

• When patients desire breast reconstruction with less recuperation than an autologous tissue/free-flap reconstruction they often choose to proceed with implant recon.

·      The candidate will also prepare a presentation of the body of original artwork [49]

·      There will be an oral examination

·      It is also known as VIVA VOCE

·      By word of mouth

·      ORALLY rather than in writing

·      To speak loudly, clearly, succinctly, make sense, be confident, get it all out

Anesthesia

• Breast reconstruction is performed under General Anesthesia.

Post-operative care

• Patients undergoing breast reconstruction typically spend one night in the hospital and are DISCHARGED THE NEXT DAY.

• Drains are left in place until the OUTPUT is less than 25cc/day for two continuous days.

• Antibiotics are commonly prescribed for a short post-operative course.

• We typically begin tissue expansion at two weeks from the initial operation, performing these saline-fills in our clinic via an internal port within the expander.

• Tissue expansion continues until the DESIRED SIZE is reached. Often at about three months, the tissue expander can be exchanged for a FINAL IMPLANT.

Possible complications

• COMPLICATIONS with this operation are, overall, a rare event but they can happen.

·      You may lose your voice during the ORAL examination

·      You may forget your WORDS

·      Your HEART may beat faster than normal

• BLEEDING and hematoma can occur following surgery and should be deal with operatively. If the hematoma is WASHED out in due fashion, the implant can be salvaged.

• Infection can happen – often this is treated with IV antibiotics if it appears to be a cellulitis. If there is evidence of a deeper INFECTION, the tissue expander may have to be removed.

• Mastectomy SKIN necrosis can occur as well – this should be promptly debrided and closed when it occurs especially when there is an implant present

Sorry to interrupt you!

BUT we can breastfeed now! NEXT STEP. We are experts. NEXT STEP. We are experts in cutting and perennial massage. NEXT STEP. We are experts in pumping. NEXT STEP PLEASE. We are experts in vaginal examinations, speculums and insertion techniques. We must write now…tongue-tie does not preclude writing / typing / scrolling through the body. WE WILL NEVER BE EXPERTS, some of us said. We are the authority: fattened and flattened (m)others. FINISHED. AEROPLANE MODE. WIFI ON. HELLO. We are awake. We have performed and continue to perform. There is still work to be done, in our skins and in our screens, but we are here. We articulate. We birth ourselves. We keep secrets. We mime. We sing. We speak. We taste. We bite. We chew. We conduct our own vaginal examinations. We cut our own tongues. We cut our own umbilical cords. We cut our own foreskins. We flatten and fatten, cutting across generations.

We lick. We image in our (m)other tongue.

[26] “Instagram” Lucy Watson, @lucywatson, 1.4M followers, accessed 29th August 2017.

[27] Irigaray and Gill, Speculum, 239.

[28] Nixon, Mary Kelly, 10.

[29] Siona Wilson, “From Women's Work to the Umbilical Lens: Mary Kelly's Early Films”, Art History 31 (2008), 79–102.

[30] “Breast Reconstruction using a Free Flap”, Touch Surgery, accessed 20th September 2017  https://www.touchsurgery.com/simulation/breast-reconstruction-using-a-free-flap/.

[31] “Mary Kelly in Conversation with Hans Ulrich Obrist” (conversation conducted at the Tate Modern, London, 22 May 2015) http://www.tate.org.uk/whats-on/tate-modern/talks-and-lectures/mary-kelly-conversation-hans-ulrich-obrist .

[32] Nixon, Mary Kelly, 1.

[33] ibid, 9.

[34] Anonymous midwife, 20th May 2017, breastfeeding consulting rooms, maternity ward, 5th floor, Royal Free Hospital London. 

[35] Celebrity Big Brother, Channel 5, episode aired 20th August 2017.  

[36] Carol Munter, “Fat and the Fantasy of Perfection” in Pleasure and Danger: Exploring Female Sexuality, ed. Carole S Vance, (Boston, 1984).

[37] Hélène Cixous, Coming to Writing and Other Essays (Harvard: Harvard University Press, 1991), 31.

[38] Here I refer to Catherine Elwes’ There is a Myth, video, 1984.  

[39] In Mary Kelly’s Post-Partum Document: Documentation II, Analysed Utterances and Related Speech Events (second version), 1975-2016, she recorded the process of her son learning to speak and thus her own erasure as maternal translator to the wider world.

[40] Imogen Tyler, “Reframing Pregnant Embodiment”, in Thinking through Feminism. Transformations. (London: Routledge, 2000), 291.  

[41] Glow Period & Ovulation Tracker, Fertility App, Glow Inc, accessed 5th July 2017.

[42] Pregnancy+ App, Health & Parenting Ltd, accessed 20th September 2017. 

[43] “About us”, Pregnancy+, 2017.

[44] Baraitser Maternal Encounters, 15.  

[45] “Guys and St Thomas' NHS Foundation Trust”, Facebook, accessed 5th September 2017

[46] Celebrity Big Brother, Channel 5, episode aired 23rd August 2017. Sarah Harding, former Girls Aloud member discussing Cheryl, former Girls Aloud member. Harding was referencing Cheryl’s privacy and secrecy around the pregnancy and birth of her son, in 2017.

[47] Cixous, Coming to Writing and Other Essays, 31.

[48] “Touch Surgery: Breast Tissue Expander”, Touch Surgery, accessed 17th September 2017.

[49] DPhil Handbook, Ruskin School of Art, University of Oxford, 2019-2020.